08/05/2024
The month of August is the sun, personified. Not just because it’s hot, but it is a powerful presence in our ecosystem. It burns extremely bright, you will not forget August. I find it interesting when people talk about the moon as a person, a thing that loves us with its whole heart, so much that it gives us the neverending cooling tides. What about the sun? People seem to be ambivalent, unless they say that it’s married to the moon. I believe in the sun being a person, one that is so godly and enormous, it takes a full month to physically see who they are. Maybe August loves me too much, burns a little too close to my face for comfort. That kind of proximity makes me uncomfortable.
I have described it many times in many different ways; As a rotting fruit, a stalker coming to kill me, a heavenly body. But at the end of the day, August is just a month. It is a way of keeping track of time, and maybe the whole month is the perfect pocket of time for the world’s anniversary effect (it’s theorized the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs fell in the early summer – but we could have gotten our dates wrong!), making it feel not like the others. Every summer has been the worst summer of my life, and every August has been the worst month of my life. After this July hit me like a ten-ton truck, I decided that August will not do the same to me. August wants to throw hands? This year I am stepping into the ring to fucking win. If you also fight this impossible battle every year, I’m inviting you to read some of my tips on How To Suplex August Into The Fucking Stratosphere.
I have been dying for some new music lately, so I’ve been listening to a full album every day this month. I think I may forget like halfway through the month, but this has been helping me a lot. Finally getting around to a lot of albums I’ve had on my list forever, as well as digging deeper into the catalog of some newer faves. Also it quite literally gives me a reason to get up in the morning sometime before noon, so I can listen to a full album and digest it before I have to get ready for work. Yes, we are only in the first week of August (so none of these tips have been thoroughly tested out, but you’re just gonna have to trust me as usual), so I have only listened to a few albums, but I've made some very worthy additions to my library. It’s helping me remember why I like listening to music so much, and the joy of finding new stuff is returning, even if all of it isn’t exactly my type of music. Discover Weekly playlists on Spotify used to be a really big part of my routine, and I can’t remember when I fell out of it. It’s been a really long time, but now I am enjoying the effort of collecting sounds I like by hand, instead of letting a playlist generate music I will be consistently disappointed by. My top pick this week is XVi by Seafoam Walls, I devoured every song, and I listened because You Can’t Have Your Cake and Ego Too (Happy Birthday) is a top contender for my most listened to song this year, and I was fervent for the rest of the album.
Okay, I know a lot of bitches can’t give this one up, because it’s the only thing putting you to sleep at night, but Holy Fuck No It’s Not It’s Literally Keeping You Awake. This one has also been extremely hard for me lately. But I am having trouble sometimes deciphering what is real anymore, so making up a bunch of fake shit in my head really isn’t cutting it, especially not for this month. As much fun as fantasizing and romanticizing is, we don’t have time for that this month – that’s what autumn is for. No more getting jealous of random people’s lives, no more pretending people are mad at me for no reason, and no more panic-inducing scenarios where I get kidnapped or murdered. They are a waste of my fucking time, and I have so much energy to spend on so many different things. They have never been useful and I pride myself on cutting back on useless things, so this should be no different. I am replacing the time spent fantasizing with other things that are much more important: drawing weird horses, listening to abstruse ambient music, spinning yarn like a spider, and sleeping. The task of removing anxiety scenarios from my head is a difficult one, but I have beaten it before, so the muscle memory remains intact.
Taking inspiration from one of history’s greatest thinkers, Rene Descartes, ask yourself, “who give a shit.” The answer really is no one, and certainly not you. This one may not be directly applicable to you, as you may or may not work in a Tex Mex restaurant, but the sentiment still applies. Figuring out what matters and what doesn’t, is the kind of process you have to discover and rediscover every day (and goes hand in hand with the tip above). But in the moment, I promise you, that shit does not fucking matter as much as you think it does. Unless you are in active danger, that shit is tacos. Meat and cheese on tortilla. Who gives a flying fuck. This is all so ridiculous anyways, yet you’re still getting paid, isn’t that cool? Having this mindset is easier when you are encouraged to take three deep breaths (thank you) and when you have people who believe in you (thank you, again). But, for the most part, a lot of what you encounter this month will just be tacos. And honestly, you are just gonna have to encounter tacos most other months anyways, so why give a shit this month?
For sure, there will be times this month where you want to give up. And, sometimes, you might have to give up. It’s okay, but I feel like giving up is the most rewarding when it is recycled – you turn it into a new chance you give yourself. When you avoid giving up, the answer is not always putting your head down and powering through (that is how August will kill you). Please just start giving in. I am so broke right now but I know that a fresh quart of cut up strawberries literally makes me feel alive again, so I am giving in to my budget, and allocating much more money than is necessary so I can buy strawberries 3 times a week and not feel bad about such a superfluous grocery expense. It’s not like I’m gonna suddenly start to eat healthy this month, I’m going to spend this grocery money on my classic shit anyways, and by god is it going to fuel my strawberry mania tenfold. I think I’m going to eat 10,000 strawberries this month, not even out of spite that it’s August, because I’m giving in to a beauty fantasy with little negative consequences.
Call me a square idgaf but we gotta be clean and crisp and clear this month if we are keeping our heads above water. I have a lot to say about this one that I don’t care to say in this particular post, but for me personally, I want weed so ungodly bad right now but being high as fuck will make my situation 10 times worse. Like unfathomably worse. And once again, we need to stay level headed. August is up on the ropes with a steel chair right now just waiting for me to let me guard down. Little does it know, I’m just smoke and mirrors, and I’m actually on a ladder behind it with an even bigger steel chair. I don’t even think it’s a real chair, it doesn’t fold out, I think it was made specifically for this match? That’s neat. This metaphor is getting away from me. BUT STAN’S NOT LETTING AUGUST GET AWAY – NO, THEY’VE SMACKED IT DOWN AND PINNED IT TO THE GROUND! THERE’S NO REPRIEVE FOR ANGRY AUGUST WHEN STAN “THE SLAM MAN” LASTNAME IS AROUND TO PLAY!
Oh my GODDDDD SHUT THE FUCK UP Shame and Guilt are literally useless emotions. You have to throw all this useless shit away. It's like cups and bottles rolling around the backseat of your car. It’s gross. People always say “Name 5 moments where you remember something embarrassing happen to someone else… nothing comes to mind, right? Nobody remembers that embarrassing moment that happened to you!” Bitch I can remember plenty of times where someone did something embarrassing and I laughed. So no shit people remember the embarrassing shit that happened to me. This is a two-step process: stop being so embarrassed for dumb shit in the moment. It goes hand in hand with tip number 3, who gives a shit. The second part is the part that needs the most work: Yes, you will do the most embarrassing shit and people will in fact remember you for it. YOU HAVE TO NOT CARE. If someone asks you what superpower you want and you say mind reading, I’m sorry but you have to be so terribly insecure that you need confirmation that everyone is thinking about you and judging you. It seems like such a terrible task to be in everyone’s head as a superpower. But unless you do have this superpower, I must remind you that you are NOT in everyone’s heads and you have no idea what is going on. This is a fantastic thing! Mind your business and keep it fucking pushing! Being embarrassed is natural (disgusting) and unfortunately your best shot at being happy is to be as earnest as possible. Forever.
This really is your last chance. I don’t know for what, but if you thought of something immediately, it’s for sure that. But – this is not an excuse to freak out over it. August is dying to make excuses for you and make you panic, but once again, we literally do not have time for that. Shit has to get done this month, and the things that have ended endlessly are ending again. But, that just means new things are gonna start soon. It all just starts over anyways, doesn’t it? Everything just comes back in a new disguise. And some stuff you hate to see walking through your front door again, it is not welcome back, but a lot of stuff you just forget about, and have no other choice but to be pleasantly surprised when it taps you on the shoulder. And also there will always be next month. And this certainly is not your last August. So, no matter what day of the month this is, it is your last chance to make this month worth the reward.
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Usually, when I feel like time is running out, I unironically think about that video of the pomeranian demolishing the Westminster Agility Course, in which the agility course’s whole point is to be as fast as possible. Gabby, the pomeranian, takes the long way around an obstacle, at which one of the announcers cries out “That’s fine! It’s just time! It’s just time!” The thought that it truly is nothing but time, when things feel a million miles an hour, helps me remember that I am not falling behind or chances are flying past me. Time is a tool for measurement, not a weapon I need to use against myself. As much as I can imagine myself holding August in a headlock to try to make myself feel better, I can’t actually beat August’s ass. There is no “winning” August. It is 31 collections of 24 hours, most of which I have control over what I am doing during that time. August is not a physical being, but right now it’s kind of the white & brown-speckled horse, galloping on the calendar on my wall. And it’s quite a pretty horse, so maybe I should give it some grace. I have to be a little bit of August to understand it, and I am trying to give some grace to myself, so maybe I should offer some respect. I do need somewhere to sit at the end of all this, and it might be nice if my steel foldable chair doesn’t have a dent in it.